Sometimes goodbye is the only way...
We loved each other more than anything in the world, but as life would have it, love is not always enough. I looked at him, he was starring out into the world. Deep in thought, or maybe just dumbfounded. This wasn't the first time we had had this conversation, we had even gone our separate ways several times, but something was different about this time, it felt like it was the last time. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked out in the balcony, it was a beautiful night. We sat there in silence and watched the night, the crickets making a sweet symphony. I knew this would be last time I would be this close to him. I lifted my hand and brought it close to his neck. I was tempted to touch him, hold him close. Kiss him. The emotions came rushing through me...I didn't want to break up with him. I did not want goodbye to be the only truth we knew.
I stopped myself before I could ask him to stay. I loved him and he loved me, that had never been in question. But our love was hurting so many other people, our love was hurting us. "I wish I could go back in time...." Jason murmured. I knew just what he meant, but that topic had been the beginning of most arguments. I did not want another fight with him, not tonight. Choices had been made, and it would be inappropriate to ask more of him than he could give. But I wanted more, much more than I had ever led him to believe. I felt my heart break, I knew his was breaking too. There wasn't much we could do about the situation we had found ourselves in, the word goodbye had been with us since we met. It always felt like with every hello, we were saying goodbye. Even when he was with me, I always got the feeling that he wasn't really with me. It was fair to let him go. It was the right thing to do. I had learnt the hard way that sharing wasn't always caring. Sometimes sharing meant tearing yourself apart. Sometimes it meant faking a smile every time we said goodbye. Sometimes it meant sleepless nights with unimaginable things running through my mind. Sometimes it meant not knowing what was going on. My mind roamed through our memories, through the good and the hard times that we had shared.
Strange things had happened this past few months, we had both experienced sudden ends and unexpected beginnings, and I guess we each had acquired certain strengths. He put his hand out and asked me to hold it. They always locked perfectly. The full moon and stars were shinning their light down on us, it was like the skies had come down to witness this painful end.
When I was growing up, I learnt that things were either black or white- I left no room for the shades of grey. Growing up for him was all shades of grey. Messed up as this whole thing was, torn as it had made us, I respected this man. I respected him because he was a perfect man. He was a man who feared God, he was man who loved me with everything he had but mostly I respected him because he was a man of integrity. He was willing to give up on unknown future no matter how promising it looked because he had made commitments in the past that were beyond both of us.
I looked at him and he was lost in thought, I could see the strange wave of emotion on his face as it went from hurt to angry and then to sad. I lay my head on his shoulder and we sat there watching the night. Love was never supposed to hurt so bad.
We loved each other more than anything in the world, but as life would have it, love is not always enough. I looked at him, he was starring out into the world. Deep in thought, or maybe just dumbfounded. This wasn't the first time we had had this conversation, we had even gone our separate ways several times, but something was different about this time, it felt like it was the last time. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked out in the balcony, it was a beautiful night. We sat there in silence and watched the night, the crickets making a sweet symphony. I knew this would be last time I would be this close to him. I lifted my hand and brought it close to his neck. I was tempted to touch him, hold him close. Kiss him. The emotions came rushing through me...I didn't want to break up with him. I did not want goodbye to be the only truth we knew.
I stopped myself before I could ask him to stay. I loved him and he loved me, that had never been in question. But our love was hurting so many other people, our love was hurting us. "I wish I could go back in time...." Jason murmured. I knew just what he meant, but that topic had been the beginning of most arguments. I did not want another fight with him, not tonight. Choices had been made, and it would be inappropriate to ask more of him than he could give. But I wanted more, much more than I had ever led him to believe. I felt my heart break, I knew his was breaking too. There wasn't much we could do about the situation we had found ourselves in, the word goodbye had been with us since we met. It always felt like with every hello, we were saying goodbye. Even when he was with me, I always got the feeling that he wasn't really with me. It was fair to let him go. It was the right thing to do. I had learnt the hard way that sharing wasn't always caring. Sometimes sharing meant tearing yourself apart. Sometimes it meant faking a smile every time we said goodbye. Sometimes it meant sleepless nights with unimaginable things running through my mind. Sometimes it meant not knowing what was going on. My mind roamed through our memories, through the good and the hard times that we had shared.
Strange things had happened this past few months, we had both experienced sudden ends and unexpected beginnings, and I guess we each had acquired certain strengths. He put his hand out and asked me to hold it. They always locked perfectly. The full moon and stars were shinning their light down on us, it was like the skies had come down to witness this painful end.
When I was growing up, I learnt that things were either black or white- I left no room for the shades of grey. Growing up for him was all shades of grey. Messed up as this whole thing was, torn as it had made us, I respected this man. I respected him because he was a perfect man. He was a man who feared God, he was man who loved me with everything he had but mostly I respected him because he was a man of integrity. He was willing to give up on unknown future no matter how promising it looked because he had made commitments in the past that were beyond both of us.
I looked at him and he was lost in thought, I could see the strange wave of emotion on his face as it went from hurt to angry and then to sad. I lay my head on his shoulder and we sat there watching the night. Love was never supposed to hurt so bad.
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