I'm not perfect..
Am far from it...in fact, I rarely ever have easy Sunday mornings or enjoy the sunsets on Friday...
My heart is like a giant cocktail of anger, depression, oppression, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, torment, un-fulfillment, irritation, exhaustion...my emotions are running all over the place and I can barely keep my feet on the ground. I feel like a broken mirror, shattered in a million pieces...am unable to pick myself up and move on with life. Am unable to stand up and face this life. The elegance and class quickly turn into despair and this mask I hate has slowly become a part of me. In fact, I wear it better than I wear my face, It gives me a perfect smile and a great complexion. It hides the dark circles around my eyes. The light and the darkness underneath my skin have become a volcano...the heat is slowly building up inside me and am about to erupt. 


I can't wish upon a star and hope that tomorrow isn't filled with as much misery as today. Walking around feeling like am losing my mind will certainly make me lose my mind. I want to quit my job,  turn off my phone and disappear...even if its just for a few minutes. I want to stand on top of a tall building and scream- I would like that. I would love this. I have so much screaming to do. I haven't let lose in a while. That would be nice. I haven't been by myself in a while. I always have people around me, watching me like a hawk. I miss randomness. I do. I miss jumping into a car and driving some random place......just to feel the rush. Just to feel the thrill. Just to take the edge off. I miss insanity- acting and feeling like I  were in a mental hospital. I miss laughter, honest, genuine laughter. I miss laughing till my stomach hurt, I miss laughing till tears rolled from my eyes. I miss not having to be a lady all the time. Not having to cross my legs when I sit in front of those close to me. I miss not having to answer all the questions am asked. I miss not having to make so many decisions. I miss Me. The don't care girl I created (but seem to have lost) a while back. I miss been able to read a book without been interrupted. I miss going to the movies alone. Sitting there and getting spooked. I miss not caring about been rained on. I miss dancing and not caring who knew me- or who was watching. I miss adventure. I miss going where I have been told I can't go. I miss been able to sit and just think for 2 mins without interruptions. I miss my life before I put up all this firewalls & filters.


I would like some sort of escape, some sort of place where I can offload.....